Ralph Lauren Polo Black
THE HEAPNOSE QUESTIONNAIRE OF GREATNESS AND ALSO DESPAIR
1. What is your name?
2. What do you do for a living?
A: Civil Servant
3. How are you?
A: Shipshape and Shiny
4. Which fragrance have you elected to test on behalf of http://www.heapnose.com?
A: Polo (Black) by Ralph Lauren
5. Why did you elect to review this fragrance on behalf of http://www.heapnose.com?
A: Because you told me you would give me the fragrance for nothing if I elected to review it on behalf of http://www.heapnose.com
6. Have you ever worn a male fragrance before?
A: Yes, regularly from circa 1993 when i began wearing Lynx and Physio Sport
[Them were dark times my friend…Heapnose]
7. If Mathew Fox is a fox, and Michael J Fox is a silver fox, and Richard Armitage is an honorary fox by virtue of being quite the fox, which animal are you and why? [NB you may not choose fox]
A: Honey Badger
8. How did you hear about http://www.heapnose.com?
A: Your incessant badgering, which whilst entirely charmless was nothing if not persistent
9. “Heapnose is to perfume what Ian Hislop is to satire” Discuss
10. Do you feel more attractive when you smell nice?
11. Have you been solicited by anyone except that dancer you were “seeing” since you started wearing Ralph Lauren Polo (Black) for Men
12. If [yes] above, who?
A: By you, mostly. And by a rogue heroin addict at work
13. Shall I send the boys round?
A: Please do
14. If you hadn’t received this fragrance for nothing from a nice PR lady named Raj, would you buy it?
15. Why / Why Not?
A: Because I’m hoping you will provide me with free fragrances for the rest of my living days
16. Do you think the guy in the Ralph Lauren Polo (Black) ad campaign looks a bit like Beardy if you squint and imagine him with a beard, and glasses, and earrings, and a more cheerful demeanour, and humming a tune by the Grateful Dead and eating a vegetarian Burrito?
A: It’s almost uncanny. Isn’t your boyfriend white though?
17. Do you like Beardy?
A: I love him but not the same way you do
18. Why / Why Not?
A: I’ve always liked your dad and he is very very very similar
19. What should a man smell of?
A: I dunno Heap, you’re the expert.
20. What does happiness smell like?
A: To you, it smells like a quarter pounder with cheese
21. Do you think that Ralph Lauren Polo (Black) is fragrance for all seasons?
A: Not for all seasons no, the bottle isn’t big enough. Unless you have more samples
22. I find you very attractive right now.
A: You have bad hair.
23. Would you feel comfortable wearing this fragrance to a wedding or other formal occassion?
A: Yes I would. Although I wore Jo Malone’s Blue Agava and Cacao [A Heapnose recommendation…Heapnose] to my brother’s wedding and it was very well received. I was propositioned by two members of staff [via his mother…Heapnose]
24. Would you recommend this perfume to other men, say in the pub or playing golf?
25. Isn’t that a bit gay?
A: I am a bit gay
26. Are you a homosexual?
A: See 25 above. You outed me to a church congregation [accidentally…Heapnose] and you outed me in the pub [again, accidentally..Heapnose] so, in the name of forging new frontiers and all that, why not out me on the internet?
27. Will you continue to wear this fragrance after finishing this questionnaire?
A: If we ever do finish this questionnaire…
28. Please rate Ralph Lauren Polo (Black) in terms of faces (Happy Face / Sad Face / Indifferent Face)
A: Happy Face. I really like it.
29. Am I prettier than Cheryl Cole?
A: In some respects. Despite your bad hair, you’re reasonably good company
30. What about if I had her hairdresser?
A: What do you mean by “had?”
31. Did you enjoy the Heapnose Questionnaire of Greatness and Also Despair.
A: I’m staggered. Are you honestly putting this tosh on Heapnose?