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Ralph Lauren Polo Black

July 22, 2010

Day 23 of the Heapnose Perfume Diary. Today my friend John is wearing Polo  (Black) by Ralph Lauren.


1. What is your name?

A: John

2. What do you do for a living?

A: Civil Servant

3. How are you?

A: Shipshape and Shiny

4. Which fragrance have you elected to test on behalf of

A: Polo  (Black) by Ralph Lauren

5. Why did you elect to review this fragrance on behalf of

A: Because you told me you would give me the fragrance for nothing if I elected to review it on behalf of

6. Have you ever worn a male fragrance before?

A: Yes, regularly from circa 1993 when i began wearing Lynx and Physio Sport

[Them were dark times my friend…Heapnose]

7. If Mathew Fox is a fox, and Michael J Fox is a silver fox, and Richard Armitage is an honorary fox by virtue of being quite the fox, which animal are you and why? [NB you may not choose fox]

A: Honey Badger

8. How did you hear about

A: Your incessant badgering, which whilst entirely charmless was nothing if not persistent

9. “Heapnose is to perfume what Ian Hislop is to satire” Discuss

A: No

10. Do you feel more attractive when you smell nice?

A: Yes

11. Have you been solicited by anyone except that dancer you were “seeing” since you started wearing Ralph Lauren Polo (Black) for Men

A: Yes

12. If [yes] above, who?

A: By  you, mostly. And by a rogue heroin addict at work

13. Shall I send the boys round?

A: Please do

14. If you hadn’t received this fragrance for nothing from a nice PR lady named Raj, would you buy it?

A: Possibly

15. Why / Why Not?

A: Because I’m hoping you will provide me with free fragrances for the rest of my living days

16. Do you think the guy in the Ralph Lauren Polo (Black) ad campaign looks a bit like Beardy if you squint and imagine him with a beard, and glasses, and earrings, and a more cheerful demeanour, and humming a tune by the Grateful Dead and eating a vegetarian Burrito?

A: It’s almost uncanny. Isn’t your boyfriend white though?

17. Do you like Beardy?

A: I love him but not the same way you do

18. Why / Why Not?

A: I’ve always liked your dad and he is very very very similar

19. What should a man smell of?

A: I dunno Heap, you’re the expert.

20. What does happiness smell like?

A: To you, it smells like a quarter pounder with cheese

21.  Do you think that Ralph Lauren Polo (Black) is  fragrance for all seasons?

A: Not for all seasons no, the bottle isn’t big enough. Unless you have more samples

22. I find you very attractive right now.

A: You have bad hair.

23. Would you feel comfortable wearing this fragrance to a wedding or other formal occassion?

A: Yes I would. Although I wore Jo Malone’s  Blue Agava and Cacao [A Heapnose recommendation…Heapnose] to my brother’s wedding and it was very well received. I was propositioned by two members of staff [via his mother…Heapnose]

24. Would you recommend this perfume to other men, say in the pub or playing golf?

A: Yes

25. Isn’t that a bit gay?

A: I am a bit gay

26. Are you a homosexual?

A: See 25 above. You outed me to a church congregation [accidentally…Heapnose] and you outed me in the pub [again, accidentally..Heapnose] so, in the name of forging new frontiers and all that, why not out me on the internet?

27. Will you continue to wear this fragrance after finishing this questionnaire?

A: If we ever do finish this questionnaire…

28. Please rate Ralph Lauren Polo (Black) in terms of faces (Happy Face / Sad Face / Indifferent Face)

A: Happy Face. I really like it.

29. Am I prettier than Cheryl Cole?

A: In some respects. Despite your bad hair, you’re reasonably good company

30. What about if I had her hairdresser?

A: What do you mean by “had?”

31. Did you enjoy the Heapnose Questionnaire of Greatness and Also Despair.

A: I’m staggered. Are you honestly putting this tosh on Heapnose?

3 Comments leave one →
  1. Beardy permalink
    July 23, 2010 12:20 am

    I can confirm that I am indeed white. Although sometimes red. Generally at social engagements, and more specifically, social engagements where fragrance reviewers are in attendance….who have blogs, and worry about their hair.

    Love to you both. And Colin. And the Grateful Dead, and definitely Burritos.

  2. stevencastle permalink
    July 23, 2010 6:02 am

    Brilliant. Just brill.

  3. July 23, 2010 7:02 pm

    I concur with Steve, blindingly good.

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