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Heapnose on the Rise

January 19, 2010


Like most bloggers, typing furtively from the seclusion of their parents’ back bedrooms, I yearn for internet notoriety. I dream of  a day where I no longer know every single one of my (23) readers by name. (Though, incidentally I think we’d all like to extend a warm Heapnose welcome to reader number 24: Robin, the nice guy from downstairs who I sometimes see in Spar or when I use his company’s toilets because they have National Geographic in the cubicles.)

Heapnose imagines a world where she need no longer coerce visitors. Where readers are invited not chased. Where subscribers are welcomed, not harangued.  In short, Heapnose wants to Go Global.

To that end, your faithful blogger has devised a cunning strategy with which to up the readership. Having identified some of the most googled phrases of the year, I’ve decided to include them (Paris Hilton) in my (Top 100 Baby Names) blog, in the hopes (Earn Money from Home) that some unsuspecting stranger (Obama Health Care Reform) will stumble upon the little known, much lauded Furthermore, I’ve also included my own top (Jenny Heap) google (Jenny Heap + Awesome) searches (Richard Armitage + Naked) in the hopes (Richard Armitage + Girlfriend?) of attracting (Dogs in Clothes) like-minded readers.

If aforementioned stranger or like minded reader is in fact YOU:

Hello and Welcome. Willkommen Zu Hause. Please stay a while, there’s free cheesecake later.

To my regulars, here’s some suggestions for upping the figures

1. Please do not read Heapnose aloud to your spouse /partner (Sian and Simon that means you). Heapnose reading is a solitary sport, best enjoyed on separate computers.

2. If you are currently dating me (Beardy) please make sure to read Heapnose both at home and in the office.

3. If you are not currently dating me, please make sure to read Heapnose both at home and in the office

4. If you work in my office, please also read Heapnose when you get home.

Enough nonsense, please keep reading, an exciting new (Celebrity Scandal) perfume review (Oscar Predictions 2010) is on its way.


Heapnose x

8 Comments leave one →
  1. mathewparry permalink
    January 19, 2010 9:19 pm

    Where’s the free cheesecake, Heap?

    • Heapnose permalink*
      January 19, 2010 9:21 pm

      It’s to follow. Promise. Anyway, you’re not a new reader. I already know your name!

  2. January 19, 2010 9:43 pm

    #3 remains, as always, my mantra. x

    • Heapnose permalink*
      January 19, 2010 9:59 pm

      I’m thinking of giving you your own page. Ows the Nose. You know what…I just did.

  3. Big Hairy Dave permalink
    January 19, 2010 9:48 pm

    I like Heapnose.

    I read it whilst driving my 32 tonner down the M5 but I’m new to all things fragrant and perfumed and hope that the cheesecake will help.

    Right, now back to masculine things. Grrr.

  4. Big Hairy Dave permalink
    January 19, 2010 9:49 pm

    Dammit – I’ve been busted by my Avatar.. and its not even blue..

    • Heapnose permalink*
      January 19, 2010 9:58 pm

      Big Hairy Dave – Thank you and Welcome. You are a Prince amongst men.

  5. 中国人 permalink
    January 20, 2010 9:13 am


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