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How to Survive the Snowpocalypse

January 14, 2010


Forgive me for not writing about perfume this evening – rest assured a new review is on its way, however, in light of the recent UK weather crisis, I felt it not only appropriate but NECESSARY to address the simple matter of human survival in the face of the Snowpocalypse. With apologies to my international readership (I’m told there are at least three of you) to whom this is less relevant, I hereby introduce:


1. British Laws Do Not Apply During a Snowpocalypse

Pat Heap reliably informs me that the country enters an anarchic state in the event of a Snowpocalypse. The Snowpocalypse can therefore be used as a defence in cases of gross professional misconduct (it was the Snowpocalypse), Murder (the Snowpocalypse made me do it) and parking in the Parent and Child spot in Tesco (I couldn’t see the sign, on account of the Snowpocalypse).

2. During a Snowpocalypse, the Workforce Should Arrive at Least One Hour Late, and Leave at Least One Hour Early

Failure to do so implies ignorance of current affairs and a disregard for your personal safety and the safety of those around you. For snowpocalyptic authenticity, Heapnose suggests ostentatiously changing your socks as soon as you reach the office and donning hiking boots before you leave each night.

3.  Snowpocalyptic Feminists are Most Likely to Survive the Snowpocalypse

Snowpocalyptic Feminists are those who either give up entirely in the event of a Snowpocalypse or do the bare minimum necessary for human survival.

Commendation for Exemplary Snowpocalyptic Feminism (in the face of great adversity) goes to

– Great Aunty Fran (Has not been outside yet this year)

– Carolyn at the Office (In a selfless act of Snowpocalyptic sisterhood , got herself locked in the ladies toilets and had to be rescued by a passing sound engineer )

–  Claire the Office Manager (made her cat hover out of an upstairs window to have a Snowpocalyptic poo)

Flagrant displays of Snowpocalyptic Anti-Feminism Include:

– Sian (Borrowed her husband’s car so that she could drive to work DURING THE SNOWPOCALYPSE)

– Jonesy (Replaced her own windscreen wipers and subsequently parked her own car…DURING THE SNOWPOCALYPSE)

– Pat Heap (Converted an old walking stick into a Snowpocalyptic ice pick, tunelled her way to the newsagents, purchased the Times Newspaper and completed the crossword DURING THE SNOWPOCALYPSE)

4. Calories Don’t Count During a Snowpocalypse

I’m not even going to explain that one

See you on the other side

Heapnose xx

5 Comments leave one →
  1. January 14, 2010 10:13 pm

    Is #2 aimed at me? If so, well played Heapster! ;-D

  2. Steve Castle permalink
    January 14, 2010 10:21 pm

    Where can I order one of those sweatshirts? I want one right now!!

  3. January 15, 2010 12:31 pm

    I’d like it noted that your snowpocalypse is a mere flake in comparison to your winter of your 09 experience in Canuckistan.

    Such tragic moments, as “The Front Door Slip”, left bruising for weeks. Not even you, had enough make-up to cover this travesty.

    • Heapnose permalink*
      January 15, 2010 2:15 pm

      Thanks Beardy! ( I think). I’m going to post a triumphant picture of my ass-bruise. x

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